Sorting Feelings
by Polar Jeans
Summary: On her way to Sasuke, she changes her mind, take her route and follow her own road.
**My first published one-shot fanfic. Read and Review, please!**

 **I don't own Naruto.**

* * *

 **Sorting Feelings  
**

 _though they can never be sorted_.

.

.

She told herself; Uchiha Sasuke wasn't Haruno Sakura's first love.

Sure, she chased him most of her life, from the tender age of nine, even breaking off her friendship with Ino, through being left on a bench after a very emotional confession, almost killed multiple times, and then wanting to poison him herself and never once did he reciprocate the feeling. Only walking away, seemingly not hearing and never quite looking back.

And then she battled the Shinobi world war beside him, beside them, as team Seven, still as the weakest link, just improved more that she's not anymore the _useless_ weakest link, and still very much chasing after Sasuke's back, only to have him Genjutsu her into seeing horrid images of his hand cutting her clean through the heart. And when she found him after waking up from his bitch of a Genjutsu, lying beside Naruto, both of them bloodied, losing an arm, totally needing help, she heals, the only ability she ever really proud of and he apologizes and making her insides churn and heart at ease, after all the years she's been staring at his receding back.

And after that, after months of him travelling the world, her feelings just died down and it confuses her. It has been nagging her, the possibility of only wanting acknowledgement and mistaking it for love and offering that very notion to the man hundreds of times. Sasuke never really answered, never respond, and she had lived her life searching for that very response that she didn't know if it was love that supports her or an obsessive curiosity or childhood inferiority. After a while, she learns to let it go, the search, the run, the love, the wanting to know, the inferiority.

She trains some more and study a lot and observe. She went home one day to a twelve years old boy's suicide attempt and listen to his struggle of being left alone, of how the end of war meant nothing to him or the other children who were left behind, of how seeing the rebuilding sickens them because he's not even a part of it and it erases the cherished memories of the old ones. She brought him home and he reminds her very much of what Sasuke and Naruto and Kakashi used to be.

She opened a children mental clinic with the help of Ino and listening and playing with children became daily occurrences that brought her peace and bittersweet-y ache to her heart. She never sleeps at her home again reading bedtime stories and stories of war, because the children ask and it was a part of their history too. Their parents, brothers and sisters fought for their home and they deserved to be remembered by the families they left behind. The clinic was successful and the sixth Hokage, Kakashi sensei sent Sakura and Ino out of the Kazekage's request to help Sunagakure establish its own mental health program.

And in Suna, she fell in love.

Ino told her of her many—romantic but mostly funny—stories about teaching and learning relationship with Sai, Sakura's other emotionally stunted teammate, and Hinata's struggle with communicating what she wants with Naruto, who's also struggling in fulfilling what he thought she needs, and Choji's growing romance with the brash and assertive golden-eyed Kumogakure kunoichi, whom Ino's still wary around, and even the obvious Shikamaru-Temari pair.

It did made her sad, not because she's not having a part in any of those—which is not true, since she's also struggling with helping both Naruto for his cluelessness and Hinata with her just follows Naruto tendency, which made her the primary listening ear for both side of stories—but because it stuck her that things always have a way to change and it feels sudden that they're not their old young-selves anymore and eyes opened and feelings _changed_ and evolve in a way they wouldn't even think years back.

In Suna, amidst the hot red sands and cold and beautiful dark dessert view with a night sky worth remembering her whole life, she learns to love, really love. She loves how the day's quite but not quite safe and the night's alive and never sleeps. She loves finding new things and customs and playing with children who are much more difficult and needing help and promising them of tomorrow and working her ass off and being led by the hands through the marketplace—where curious items sold and turbans are everywhere—and changing her wardrobe and teaching Suna medics. She loves working with the Kazekage who's always difficult to guess and always asking things that makes her stop and ponder and realize.

"How do you do it?" he asked one day after he observe her playing soccer with the children and approach her when she sat by the swing looking at the setting sun and silhouettes of children going home. He wears his Kazekage robe, hair red and tousled and eyes not as piercing as it looks in that light.

She feels so out of her element and out of the leaf-y green and cool shades of Konoha's trees.

She replied, not smiling or looking at anything in particular, "Sasuke and Naruto use to never respond whenever I ask of their problem, even with gentle prodding…and Gaara, the old you wouldn't have appreciate it if someone's asking you if you're doing fine…"

"So, I just introduce myself, and offer to fill the lack of player, and let them teach me…you see, after a while, they learn to trust you, because you're on the inside, you make an effort to be in and from there you help, listen, and hopefully they'll feel better."

She thinks about if she knew then, maybe she'll be more on the inside of team Seven more than she ever did. She wonder why these days, she always feels like crying but she never knew why and at the same time, she never really wants to cry.

"Tell me," as night appears, the piercing jade eyes come back to haunt in its very little tinge of emotion, Gaara's eyes looking so far beyond, "how to make right my wrongs."

Not leaving, not abandoning, staying, mending, helping, caring, _staying_ , she wants to say.

Both of them looking up when she spoke. "Trying. Being here, trying, I don't know for how long, or if it's enough for all and for you, but it makes a difference."

He nodded but she missed that for counting her stars. "I think you've done quite a good job at it, mending things, and…I also think I've made a good difference and I want to keep on making it. I come to love Suna by being here and having a part and being on the inside, but I think..."

"I think I miss Konoha." Her very first love.

* * *

They went home a week later and Ino teases her about her apparent buddy making with the Kazekage, which is ridiculous and it made Naruto hyperventilating when he accidentally hears them, which made Sakura pound them both to the ground and she and Ino bickers about it for about a week, until Hinata walk in on one of their silly competition to announce her imminent wedding to Naruto. They jump in joy and went for a crazy shopping spree.

On the day of the wedding, Sakura came alone and when it ends, the rest of Konoha Eleven plus the Sand siblings went for a pub for an after party. They bicker and laugh and cry and get drunk and Sakura kisses Gaara on their way home. He didn't respond and she cringe remembering it.

"I'm sorry for the other night." She apologized when he led her away from other's hearing while they're saying goodbye to Gaara and Kankuro and other Suna ninja who's invited to Naruto's wedding.

"I don't expect an apologize." He told her straight-faced, piercing her heart in a way different from Sasuke.

Sakura fell silent and then shakes her head.

"It wouldn't work, eventually."

Piercing green eyes stare at her. Acknowledgements clear on the irises.

He nodded. "Eventually."

It made her smile. "Naruto will definitely freak out, and Ino will have her revenge for me shoving her face to the ground."

He smiled a little miniscule smile but full of warmth and humor nonetheless.

"Temari will freak out, and Kankuro will annoy me to death," he stopped and then added, almost uncertainly, "some people in Suna—Kankuro said something the other night when you're in Suna—he said they'll freak out, too."

Sakura smirked and then puffed out laughing. "Ah, your fangirls…"

Sakura fell in love with Gaara when he left. She was quite sure it was the first time she fell in love with somebody.

* * *

Sakura writes letter to Gaara and Naruto writes to Sasuke. Until she's eighteen, her heart stays in Suna, beating in the very room the Kazekage dwells, signing missions and running his lovely and harsh dessert village.

Sakura's still in Konoha, and she never thought she will leave Konoha and live in Suna, as she already told Gaara and Temari, who grew closer to her since she and Gaara involved in a learning-about-each-other relationship, and she has, since then, proceed to tell her of her little annoyances and little loves for Gaara nightly. _But thoughts can change_ , Sakura thinks.

She still reads the letters Sasuke sent for Naruto, because the blonde very-soon-to-be-if-not-already Hokage always makes sure to read it with her in the room and ask for her opinion and words to be given to his letter to Sasuke. On the last letter, she told Naruto of her opinion regarding Sasuke's action, and that he may be unconsciously travels to not only redeem himself but also fulfilling bits of his childhood dream of joining the Konoha Military Force, which she thinks is adorable in its innocence.

"I don't know though," she adds, "why he did, I mean, it never really cross my mind since last year he's here."

Naruto chuckled, but there's sadness to his eyes. "Sakura-chan, you've changed."

She took on Naruto callous hand, his real hand, and his bright—but not as bright as it used to be—jacket, and up to his blue eyes. She never meets anyone with eyes like Naruto's blue. The only one that comes close is her green. Suddenly it struck her how the two of them are the only ones with eyes as full of emotions as their lives. Sakura never think that she's pretty since she was twelve but the realization makes her feel beautiful.

 _I've changed, Naruto, and so did everyone else. And there are times I remember our genin days too much that I couldn't wake up to find it's passed, there are times I miss even being useless and rude, there are times I hope it will all come back to the way it were, with Kakashi sensei being late and you being annoying asking me out on dates and Sasuke always insult me and bicker with you, but we've come this far, and I don't know if it's better this way, but I'm grateful we still have each other at this point in life._

"I know," Naruto said, still with his heart breaking smile, "both you and Sasuke changed so much, though; I'm having trouble keeping up."

Sakura laughed at the very irony. "I should be the one saying that, you know..."

"Is there anything I can do to bring both of you back? I know it's selfish of me…but there's—team Seven is one of the very first families I've ever had." He trembled.

"I don't know, Naruto," _I don't know I don't know I don't know_. "I guess we got lost in different places."

* * *

Sakura seek for Kakashi that night on top of the Hokage monument, when the air is humid and the stars never shine as bright as it was in the dessert but it's okay, it's still Konoha. She didn't expect Kakashi to give her comfort or reassurance, and she feels fine, really, without seeing Kakashi for a long time. She never thinks the two of them ever got pass just teacher-student, just with the lack of respect that's somehow making them slightly closer than that.

She saw him lounging, reading, still alone and decided to tease him a bit.

"So you're here, deciding to be a perpetual bachelor?"

He didn't look up, expression not changing. "At least I'm not the waiting-for-the-lost-boy virgin."

It should've hurt, if she's still hung on Sasuke, but she has Gaara. "I'm with Gaara." She said, taking note of his expression.

He didn't falter, didn't look surprised. _It's never his concern._ "To be honest Sakura, I think the Kazekage's worse than Sasuke in term of understanding hormones."

"Didn't stop him from wanting to date me," She shrugged.

He closed his book eventually, and turned to face her, crinkly eyed smile in place. "I bet he never thought of kissing, or anything that comes after that, then again, maybe Sasuke never, too, they're alike in that way."

"I bet you only ever think of ravishing Jiraiya's 2D characters instead of real women, or men—whichever you actually swing for."

"And you used to be my favorite."

Sakura smirked. "If by favorite you mean the one you constantly have to save, you broke my heart Kakashi."

"Why Sakura, I thought that little inferiority of yours have long ran out."

"Yeah, just making a point of my past grudge."

He considers her, searching through the eyes. "…you've grown wonderfully, nonetheless."

 _Is that regret I saw in your eyes?_ "It's through a different kind of pain Kakashi, but thanks for the compliment."

He humorously faked a hurt look.

Sakura laughed. "Don't worry; it's not me being bitter."

She took a step closer and looked away at buildings below. "I'm really flattered by that, but it's not why I'm here."

Kakashi stay still for a long time before answering at the hanged question. "I know why you're here, Sakura, but I'm with Naruto at this."

She is actually expecting that.

"I still think I'll see you with the lost boy and not leaving us to the sands."

"I love Gaara though."

"I can see that."

"I think—I no longer—or never—I think I don't love Sasuke that way." She adds uncertainly, not because she can't decide her feelings, but given she had been screaming I love Sasuke forever since Kakashi know her…

He ponders this carefully. "Can I be honest, Sakura?" She nodded.

"It's timing." He said finally.

* * *

Kakashi or Naruto didn't stop her on her visit to Suna, but they carefully said their goodbye, half supporting her and half holding her back.

"Forehead, sent your invitation if you got married, yeah!" Ino exclaimed cheerfully, though she cried her ass a couple night back when she announced Gaara ask her to come to Suna. Tsunade cried a little and Shizune too, but both offer Sakura their full support.

She laughed heartily at Ino. "You'd let me won the bet then? The first to get married out of the two of us."

Ino snorted. "Ha! You wish! It's because Gaara's the Kazekage that you'd have to have a wedding or something, me and Sai will elope as soon as you went outside the gate!"

"Like Sai actually have enough knowledge of what eloping entail." She teased good-heartedly.

"If your dobe of a teammate can do what Hinata told us some nights ago, I'm sure I can make Sai do—"

"TMI! TMI!" She cut her off, remembering that girl night out with Hinata.

Ino left with Sai when Naruto and Kakashi came. Naruto bear hug her almost painfully and she feels something wet drip down her collarbone.

"Naruto…" He shushed her so she listens to his silent tears.

"Oh, there he is!" Kakashi stare at a point above her head and Naruto jumped away while Sakura turned, looking up at their silent dark-haired teammate, vibrant green meeting endless dark and she arrive in Suna a little late, saying her goodbye a little hard, stomach empty of butterflies.

* * *

On her fifth day stargazing on the dessert, Gaara still haven't made the proposal she expect—yes, she really expect it, it's sad and pathetic, but whatever. He comes to her every night, talking and listening and touching, until that night he ask her—not to marry him—but to come home.

"You love the dessert, but you're not at home here." _We fell in love but we're not together._

Loving Gaara made her learn a thing or two about actually being in love, and she knows he said that out of love.

"Eventually," she said gently, "this is eventually, I guess."

"Eventually." He nodded.

And once again Sakura learn that though she might have thought that Gaara was hers, as he was always there, here, and she might have had his heart, his time, his thoughts, his love, but she was never a part of his life, she wasn't meant in his future. It may never be destined that way, her and Gaara, and maybe he was never really her destination.

"I'll have to say goodbye now." She touched his shoulder and he look at her, and she was lost with the billion fragile stars reflected in his irises. Night was at its fullest.

Gaara moves slowly, uncertainly. "You kiss a start," his eyes searching.

"I'll kiss you goodbye." He planted a soft kiss, lips barely touching but it opened heavens, painting lights against the sky.

"Is that your Kazekage pride?"

An inch distance. "It's my twelve years old heart."

A smile. "Didn't know he was capable of wanting that."

"He did. Since he saw you picking that ball and joining in the game two years ago."

She fell in love with Gaara for the last time, when he kissed her goodbye.

Gaara told her not to regret her life for him so she's going home. Being with him never cost a thing and chasing after Sasuke almost cost her everything and she's going home.

* * *

"Why?" One dark eye and a Rinnegan stare at her.

Team Seven are having a welcome-back-Sakura-and-you-too-Sasuke team dinner at—guess where—Ichiraku. Naruto is especially overjoyed, though it took Sakura a while before she can even see Sasuke in the eyes without feeling uncomfortable at Gaara's expense.

She sighed and tried to smile. "The council didn't approve of me."

Sasuke made a threatening gesture to Sakura's left and Naruto shut his mouth, opting to continue to eat and talking to Kakashi instead.

He turned to Sakura, frown deepening.

So she tried again.

"Tsunade and Ino miss me," she nudged at Naruto, who protests, "and Naruto didn't give me his blessings."

She turned to Naruto this time. "Even though Gaara's your friend, Naruto, and we have important political alliance too."

"But I'm your baby, Sakura-chan; you can't leave me to live in some other country while I'm training hard with those papers." He whined the Naruto way. She smacked him good.

Sasuke offer to walk her home and Kakashi and Naruto leave in silence.

 _Stare, stare, stare…_

She turned to look at him, annoyed.

"I'm not sure alright!" she stomped, feeling every bit like a PMS-ing ferret who's been rubbed the wrong way.

"It's not as if—I truly like—well, I mean I love Gaara, it's really really true."

 _A brief, very brief look of sadness._ "But I've liked you—I mean I've chased after you for a very long time and you know I'm just—I'm not really fond of the idea of just backing down and change plans and I really hate losing, you know, so…"

She almost cried. "So I don't know!"

Sasuke looked taken aback.

"Geez, you didn't even say a word! I'm pouring my heart here at you!"

"Sakura," in a tone surprisingly gentle.

"Stop!" She raised both hand.

"Look, I—I really don't know, but you know—ugh—I guess I just want to find out."

His posture eased. "Aa."

She feels a little giddy and very much awake and restless as she stomped in her walk, creating minor earthquake every time. "So let's do that," she can't help the grin, "let's just, you know, finding out?" a hard stomp, "you'll be with me this time, right? Searching—or whatever this is—together?"

Sasuke let out a sigh but it's more teasing than anything, which surprise her and making her smile so wide her teeth feels dry.

"Aa."

That fucking word.

* * *

When Sasuke propose, it was just outside of the hospital. He saw her with children and it just kind of flow from there.

She asked him why.

Sasuke's still so much by-the-book every time he attempt on something romantic, Sakura guess he'd recite every instructions and suggestions from Sai's questionable book before actually meeting her on dates and it baffled her every time.

He caresses her hand and led her to a bench. "I'm not an unfeeling bastard you seemed to think every time I left you without a good bye."

She snorted. "I don't think like that and that sounds a lot like when Sai propose to Ino, dammit, she recites that regularly, you're supposed to know if you're a decent ninja."

He cleared his throat, quickly changing strategy before she'd go crazy.

"I want to live—with…" he trailed off. And then he remembers her words and thinking it's probably safe to use it against her. Just so she agrees, preferably quickly, the difficult woman.

"Searching together." He said, flat and easy.

Sakura nodded. He almost—almost feels relieved until she said, "if you're so in love, then will you be the one to get pregnant for me? I know of your rebuilding clan ambition…"

He spluttered and warmth crept in Sakura's skin to her insides. Being with Sasuke has always been enough for her and she suspects he thinks like that too and that they're more alike than they thought, and surprisingly Naruto and Kakashi are the ones who realize it first.

The wedding is a very simple one, almost like eloping, except there's Tsunade and Kakashi and Naruto and all of their friends. Sakura's only wearing her old kimono, soft washed out pink with silver cheery blossoms, and Sasuke wrapped her with his black haori with Uchiha crest on its back and she became Sakura Uchiha.

"Kiss me," she said at night in their new home.

He did.

She went red. "Now undress me."

He looked positively reproachful at that. It frustrates her a little.

"Don't you know anything about what comes after the wedding ceremony, then? Honestly, even Naruto knows."

A man of few words Sasuke was, he deemed its best not to answer.

"No words and no action, too?" she teased and looked at his lower half pointedly.

"Come on hormones, kick!"

Sasuke soured. "Sakura, if you want to undress you should do it yourself; I'm your husband, and you're not helpless."

She huffed.

"Okay, this is not conventional but we're not doing it tonight."

Sasuke didn't know what to feel about that.

* * *

Sakura told herself that Sasuke wasn't her last love and it's true. Because after marrying Sasuke (and finally getting to his pants some weeks after the wedding, which is unnecessarily long and overdue) she continues to find things to fall in love with. Like planting tomatoes and teasing Sasuke on daily basis, and helping Naruto with his Hokage duties and making Sasuke jealous with stories of her past romantic endeavors. The forehead flicks, and frustrating but endearing and annoyingly short grunted response, everything her husband does, and herself. And pregnancy and the labor (call her masochist, she didn't care). And their daughter, Uchiha Sarada.

* * *

 **If you're interested, I listen to Daughtry's _Home_ and _Tennessee Line_ when I wrote this. And thanks for reading until the end!**


End file.
